I hate New Years Resolutions...

...So that's not what I'm going to call this.

This is me trying to better myself. This is me creating a future for myself. This is me taking charge of my very own, one and only, self :D

I'm headed to the gym today. And Thursday. And Friday. And many more days after that. I have a goal in mind and I'd like to see what happens on the way there. On October 21st, 2012 I will be running 13.1 miles through Columbus, OH. Even if it kills me. Registration opens January 21st and I will be in line.

I set a goal 2 years ago that I want to run the Cincinnati flying pig marathon in 2012. Well I've come to terms that that most likely isn't going to happen. But I have 10 months + a few weeks to get in shape for the Columbus half marathon. I can do this. I can do whatever I want.

I think I'm putting this out there to give myself some accountability. So please, hold me accountable, as I will be holding myself accountable. I will be blogging along the way, mostly for myself I think...so that when this is all done I can look back and really see how far I've come :D Because I'm pretty sure it will be a blur along the way.

Today I am tired and have a bit of a cold. I'm not gonna let that stop me. I'm gonna push past the crap knowing that when I accomplish my goal I'm gonna feel so good that all the colds and lack of sleep won't matter....I look at some of the people in my life and see what they can accomplish in the face of some really crappy situations and I think well if they can do that, surely I can do this.

So here I go.

The quest for happiness

So..I don't really know who is out there reading this or who really cares but I'm gonna lay some stuff out there and see how it makes me feel. If you've got any wisdom to add, please go right ahead and do so...


‎"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation." Oscar Wilde


I had a breakdown earlier today. I've had more than a few but this one was different. I actually vocalized something that I have been feeling for quite some time. I'm not happy. I haven't been truly happy in years. I wish I could express the pain that this causes me, to actually say this and know how true it is. To make it even more concrete, my mom acknowledged that she has not seen me truly happy in quite some time. Oh sure, there have been moments, days, weeks even, where I have been on some kind of high but when I come home and sit by myself and think back on things I'm not happy, not content. I'm constantly on the search for my place in this world.

I just re-read that paragraph and boy do I sound miserable..I even considered changing the word happy to some other emotion, trying not to deal with what I'm actually feeling. I can't do that. I need to face this head on.

Let me clarify, I have a good life. I have a full time job that I enjoy (most days), I have a wonderful, loving family, a roof over my head, and food on my table. I have a 'strong' faith in God though some days he and I have words, my relationship with him is a constant work in progress, but who's isn't. I am a positive person who really does enjoy life. I find beauty in the little things, I smile, I laugh, I'm not someone who would strike anyone as being a depressed person. But I am. I was diagnosed with depression in 2007 along with anxiety which I have had since I was a kid. I'll spare all of the details for another time (maybe) but lets sum it up with this: I was on a cocktail of meds for a year or two but I have now chosen the natural route back to a healthy state of mind...whatever that means.

Back to today...I've been feeling stuck in a rut for quite some time. Going through the motions, the daily grind, that kind of thing. A little less than a month from now I will be 23 years old. This is not where I thought I'd be at 23 years old. I thought by this point I would have at least graduated from college (the depression thing really messed that up) and maybe even be on my way to the alter or having kids. Basically, I thought I'd have done a little something more with myself at this point in my life. I've mostly come to terms with not having finished college yet but I know that at this point I am certainly not ready to go back. Everything else though, I've having a hard time well...not having. Not having the guy, not having the babies, not having the house and and the picket fence and the life I've always thought would be "mine" at this point. I've always been really eager to grow up. When I was a kid I would rather hang out with the adults or my older siblings than kids my age. I do a lot of praying about this, why would God give me such a strong desire for these things if it wasn't in his plan? Why won't he just show me his plan!?!?!? Like I said, sometimes I have some words with God..that's usually when he gives me the silent treatment and waits until I cool my jets to show me a little bit of what he's got in store for me.

Here's what I know about happiness, it has to come from within, it can't be rooted in anything or anyone other than yourself. I'm told that the only way to find true happiness, and peace for that matter, is to allow God to mold you and work his plan through you. I know these things yet I keep looking for happiness in ALL the wrong places. So here's my challenge, my quest, not necessarily to find happiness, I'm pretty sure it's right in front of me. What I need to find is a way to relinquish all control and allow God to guide me down the path he laid out for me before I was a twinkle in my mamma's eye and let the happiness that's in my heart, that he put there before he formed me blossom and work it's way out...

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

I have NEVER been good at setting goals, but I am setting at least one for myself right now...hopefully more to follow..
I will blog about my quest for happiness at least once a week which means that a little over a year from now, on my 24th Birthday, if I still feel like I haven't given in to Gods plan and haven't found Happiness independent of anyone or anything I can at least go back and see what I have learned from a year of focusing on it...

I like to take this every once in a while, just to see how I'm doing, I've gained 8 percentage points :D

You've Experienced 68% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years. You've put yourself out there, you've done a lot, and you've learned a lot. You may not have experienced all life has to offer, but you've experienced enough!

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

22 years old and I've experinced 60% of life...not bad I say.

You've Experienced 60% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s. You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to. Regardless of your age, you may feel like you are still getting started. Don't forget to look back at how far you've come. You've traveled a lot further than you might think.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Simon

Simon made by Neave Games

Update to my previous post about Bowling Green

A while back I wrote a post about a song I heard on the oldies station one day, (you can read that post here). I finally found the actual song and figured out who sings it and I'm so excited, I just had to share. The Song is called Bowling Green and it's by Glen Campbell, you can find more info about him here and here. Apparently he is famous hits like "Rhinestone Cowboy". Cool stuff I think.

Well According to this...

You've Experienced 52% of Life

You have a good deal of life experience, about as much as someone in their late 20s. You've seen and done enough to be quite wise, but you still have a lot of life to look forward to. Regardless of your age, you may feel like you are still getting started. Don't forget to look back at how far you've come. You've traveled a lot further than you might think.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?